Your zombie-proof log cabin has arrived

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$24,000 zombie survival kit? Check. Ridiculously tricked-out vehicle to mow down the undead? Check. A collection of books to prepare yourself for what’s coming next? Check. What’s missing? A personal fortress to house it all. And today, my paranoid friends, is the day to knock that off your list.
Allow me to introduce the Zombie Fortification Cabin (aka, ZFC-1), a three-compartment compound from Tiger Log Cabins that will allow you to safely ride out the end-of-the-world in comfort. In the initial $113,000 package, you’ll find all of the materials needed to impress your friends and worry your neighbors, including: an upper deck with escape hatch, barbed wire, a garden section to grow food, toilet system, weight machines, kitchen with microwave, a record player (zombies hate analog), and an Xbox with Plasma TV.
Additional options include solar panels ($5,600), security cameras ($3,000), and the satisfaction of watching someone else build and install the thing ($21,000). For an undisclosed price, water cannons, spotlights, and flame throwers can also be installed. (I particularly like the flame thrower option in the garage because, why not!?)
zombie-cabin
To counter any customer concerns that this whole thing is more about marketing and less about realistic defense from zombies, all ZFC-1 cabins carry a “10-year anti-zombie guarantee” — with one caveat.
“Please note: we require medical evidence of the presence of a real zombie should you wish to claim under the 10-year anti-zombie guarantee,” the website states. In other words, don’t bother saving the receipt.
To see more details about the Zombie Fortification Cabin — and to trick out your own post-apocalyptic survival pad — jump here.

Is This Panda Masturbating?

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Researchers may have finally discovered why panda bears are so finicky about their mates. It could be that nothing satisfies quite like the pleasure paw.

2841_502635_709601-2World Wildlife Federation researchers caught this panda allegedly touching himself following a meal of bamboo in the forests of Sichuan province. (There’s no date cheaper than a date with yourself!)

If the bear was really caught having “a quick wank,” as Shanghaist suggests, it might be a first for science. Or it might be a joke that sailed over our heads. Who cares. Look at him go!

Teen With Pre-existing Health Issues Dies Inside Haunted House Attraction

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Christian Faith Benge’s love of God and strong faith are what her family says they will remember most about the 16-year-old who died from a medical condition after visiting the Land of Illusion attraction Friday night.

Christian-Faith-BengeBenge, a sophomore at New Miami High School, was transported to Atrium Medical Center after collapsing inside one of the haunted houses at Land of Illusion in Madison Twp., officials said. She died at the hospital from a medical condition, according to the Warren County Coroner’s Office. An autopsy is underway, said Doyle Burke, deputy coroner.

“She got halfway through and just collapsed,” her grandmother Betty Benge said. “She was almost through it.” Christian was at the attraction with about 100 friends and family members, according to her mother, Jean Benge.

Medical officials told the family part of her heart was enlarged four times its size. “They said she was like a time bomb,” Betty Benge said.

Jean Benge told the Journal-News that her daughter was born with congenital diaphragmatic hernia, which prevents the lungs from developing normally.

“The heart had to compensate for the lung … it just stopped,” she said.

Jean said her “mother instinct” kicked in as she performed CPR on her daughter.

“I did CPR until the paramedics arrived. And I trust God. He has the ultimate plan,” she said as she talked to reporters at Full Gospel Church, 2117 Eaton Road. “She’s better off than we are … because of her faith in Christ I know she’s home.”

There was no injury-causing accident that happened at the haunted park, owner Brett Oakley said.

“It was a very unfortunate situation,” Oakley said.

Christian was an active member of Full Gospel Church, where she sang in the choir, according to her family.

“Those memories of her up here singing and pouring out her heart to everyone is the fondest memory I have of her,” said Christian’s aunt Julene Adams.

Grandparents described Christian as a kind, gentle, lovable person.

“You couldn’t find a better kid than she was,” said her grandfather Ernest Benge, pastor at Full Gospel Church for more than 30 years.

“We don’t understand it, but you just survive it,” he said. “She was one of the kids you never have to correct.”

Christian was born with a very low chance of living, according to her grandfather. She sometimes had breathing problems, he said.

“I just wish there were more giving and more loving like she lived her life. She’s always been a kid that never complained, even through all the operations she went through,” he said.

‘Sims repeatedly masturbated while in the interview room despite numerous warnings from deputies to stop.’

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A robbery suspect was arrested Sunday after he returned to the same gas station and was identified by the customer he robbed, according to a Broward Sheriff’s Office report.

Johnny-Big-Sims-jpgJohnny Big Sims, 31, faces a charge of robbery by sudden snatching.

According to the arrest report, a man was purchasing items inside a gas station on Northwest 27th Avenue and was preparing to pay the clerk when Sims walked up behind the man and snatched $25 in cash from his hand.

The next day, Sims returned to the gas station and was identified by the customer, who also happened to be there, the report said. That customer called deputies, who arrived and detained Sims.

While Sims was being handcuffed, the man told deputies, “That’s him. That’s the one who took my money.”

According to the report, Sims repeatedly masturbated while in the interview room despite numerous warnings from deputies to stop. Sims eventually had to be placed in handcuffs to get him to stop.

Yes, this is a tree full of penises and, no, it’s not a joke

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Oh look, another musty old medieval Italian mural.

But, what’s that unusual fruit?

Oh, ok, I’ve spoiled it with the headline.

Yes, it’s penises.

The Massa Marittima, in Tuscany, was created the 13th century and its central item is a cock tree.

There they are, all 25 of them, complete with balls, dancing in the breeze.

Underneath are some ladies standing about, one of whom appears to be trying to get one with a pole in a ‘hook the duck’ fashion.

The mural was discovered in 2000 and restored three years ago.

But, cock horror, the restoration experts were accused of censorship by scrubbing out or altering some of the testicles.

They denied this, saying the changes were due to the thick deposits of salt and calcium that encrusted the work and had to be removed.

Anyway, back to that tree.

penistree

 

Nobody really knows why it was painted in 1265 or what it really means.

Some think it is a clear fertility symbol because it stands by a fountain – the town’s main source of water in medieval times.

Others believe it to have a political message from one powerful party, the Guelphs, to another, the Ghibellines.

It has been interpreted as a message that, if the Ghibellines were given power, they would bring nothing but witchcraft, heresy and perversion.

At the time the mural was painted, the Guelphs controlled Massa Marittima.

If this interpretation is correct then the women below are witches, in line with the myth that witches had the power to steal a man’s penis.

George Ferzoco, director of the Centre for Tuscan Studies at the University of Leicester, said: ‘There was a well-known story in Tuscan folklore about witches removing mens’ penises and placing them in bird nests in trees, where they would then multiply and take on a life of their own.’

He added: ‘Heretics, according to people in the Middle Ages, practised sodomy. Hence the phallus tree.’