Reported Domestic Disturbance Was Actually Noisy Couple Engaged In “Romantic Situation” On Living Room Floor

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floorsex091509Responding to a 911 call about a domestic disturbance, a Florida cop discovered that the purported combatants were actually involved in a noisy “romantic situation with one another on the living room floor,”according to a police report.

When an officer arrived early Sunday morning at the Bradenton residence, the couple “came outside and were both smiling and adjusting their clothing,” noted Officer James Savaglio.

The duo explained that the home did not have air conditioning, so the windows were opened, which allowed confused neighbors to get an earful. “Neither party alleged anything physical other than the romance that took place.”

Before departing, the cop “asked the parties to keep the noise down.”

After 28 years of bawdy cakes, Seattle’s Erotic Bakery closing

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After nearly three decades in business, a bawdy Seattle bakery is turning off the ovens and closing up shop.

140903_erotic_bakery_lg1Wallingford’s Erotic Bakery, which has been baking boob-shaped brownies and other edible adult creations since 1986, will close at the end of September, owner Kimmie Barnett said.

“Anyone can have a bakery that sells pies or regular marzipan, but people want the unusual. That’s why we stood the test of time for 28 years,” Barnett said. “I guess I didn’t realize how iconic we were until just recently. Now all of a sudden people are like, ‘You’re closing? No no. Say it isn’t true.’ “

Barnett bought the business, originally called Marzi’s Tarts, in 1999. She doesn’t have a firm number on how many ‘adult’ cookies and cupcakes have been made throughout the years.

“We’re not sure how many cakes we’ve done, but we like to say we’ve served over 20 million inches,” Barnett joked. “You name it. If it is any kind of an entity, we’ve probably made it in the shape of this guy right here,” she added, gesturing to a male-themed cake.

The bakery is scheduled to close at the end of September, with Barnett wanting to spend more time with her children. Two of them have worked in the store since they were young, but it wasn’t enough, she said.

“Right now they’re at a time in their life where I don’t want to miss those final years,” Barnett added. “It’s definitely bittersweet. I do feel that it is time and I just want to be (with them) in Enumclaw.”

On Wednesday, customers who’d heard the news were stopping in the store for one final phallic fix.

“It’s kind of what makes Seattle weird and old Seattle and what makes it important,” said one customer, Nicole, who asked that she only use her first name. “It makes me sad and it’s part of our history and we’re losing it.”

Barnett added that she’s had a few potential buyers for the business but wasn’t certain she was going to have a deal before the end of the month.

“What we do is sell emotion. We don’t really sell cakes,” Barnett added. “A cake is a centerpiece of any party. I am so proud to have that on my resume.”

Man Divorces Wife Over Her ‘Excessive And Insatiable Desire’ For Sex

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n-WOMAN-large570We’ve heard of people divorcing over a sexless marriage, but divorcing over too much sex? You don’t hear that one every day.

Apparently, one man was recently granted a divorce by a Mumbai family court because he could no longer deal with his wife’s “excessive and insatiable desire for sex.”

According to The Times Of India, the sex-fatigued husband first approached the court in January, claiming that his wife was “aggressive, stubborn and autocratic” and that she’d be harassing him for sex since they married in April 2012.

The man told the court his wife forced medication on him to boast his sexual stamina and threatened to hook up with other men if she remained unfulfilled. Things got so bad, the husband had to be hospitalized for an uneasy stomach at one point.

In the end, the wife failed to appear before the court, so the divorce was granted. (Meanwhile, we couldn’t be happier for the poor, put-upon husband. May he go on to have as little — or as much — non-chore-like, consensual sex as he’d like.)

Somehow, this isn’t the weirdest grounds for divorce we’ve ever heard. Check out the slideshow below for seven more strange, but true reasons for calling it quits.

Antonio Flores Narcisso Stabs Roommate For Being Too Loud During Threesome

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A man in San Antonio, Texas faces felony charges for allegedly stabbing his roommate numerous times for making too much noise while having sex.

n-ANTONIO-FLORES-largeAntonio Flores Narcisso, 42, was arrested Tuesday and charged with burglary of a habitation with the intent to commit felony force for the attack that allegedly happened on May 8.

The roommate was celebrating his 35th birthday by having sex with two women.

According to the arrest warrant, Narcisso kicked down the roommate’s door to complain about the boisterous cries of passion, MySanAntonio.comreports.

When the roommate yelled at Narcisso to get out of the room, the suspect allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife andproceeded to stab the alleged victim numerous times in the head, back and hands, CBS Houston reports.

The roommate was taken to a local hospital and treated for non-life threatening injuries, according to the Sun News Network.

Although both of the women were able to identify Narcisso by name from a photo lineup the night the alleged attack took place, he was only charged this week, according to KENS5.com.

He is currently in the Bexar County jail.

Cleveland Couple Collared For Theft Of Four “Sexual Pleasure Aids” From Walmart

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kiaporterfbTwo Ohioans are facing theft charges after they allegedly swiped four “sexual pleasure aids” from a Walmart during a 1:45 AM shopping trip.

Yes, Walmart sells “sexual pleasure aids.”

According to cops, Walmart security guards detained Kia Porter, 23, and Geoffrey Greene, 20, after the Cleveland residents were spotted last week stashing the merchandise into Porter’s purse as they moved through the store in South Euclid, a Cleveland suburb.

When later confronted, Porter was “initially verbally combative,” and the pair refused to cooperate with security guards. But when cops arrived, Porter (seen at right) turned over her purse, which contained two Trojan Intense Pleasure vibrating rings and two LifeStyles a:muse “his and hers vibrating ring and massager.”

The devices were valued at a combined $30.52.

Cited for theft, Porter and Greene are scheduled for a September 11 court appearance on the misdemeanor charge.

Georgia Siblings Charged With Having Sex In Church Parking Lot After Watching The Notebook

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A brother and sister were arrested this morning in Effingham County and accused of having sex with each other in a tractor trailer parked at a church.

Christopher-BucknerTimothy-Savoy

Christopher Buckner, 20, of Guyton, and her brother, Timothy Savoy, 25, of Jackson, Ga., were arrested and charged with incest, aggravated sodomy and prowling, according to Sheriff’s Office spokesman David Ehsanipoor.

The spokesman said deputies answered a call at about 4:30 a.m. about a prowler in the area of Hester Road and Ga. 30.

As deputies were checking the area, they saw a man and woman walking down the road. The male said he was walking the female back to her house.

Deputies determined that the pair were brother and sister and that they had just had sex in a Kenworth tractor trailer, which was parked at Countryside Baptist Church, Ehsanipoor said.

He said they admitted having sex three times after watching the movie, “The Notebook.”

They were being held in the Effingham County jail.

Penis Ring Thrust Counter And Sexual Performance App

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Worn at the base of the penis and connected to a free mobile app via Bluetooth, this hi-tech [penis] ring not only stimulates a harder erection with the tight band but tracks your performance during sex using internal technology similar to a pedometer. Powerful stimulating vibrations will tantalise both partners during use much in the same way as a conventional [penis] ring, but also allow for a revolutionary ‘pacing mode’ that vibrates in time to a pre-set rhythm. Match the rhythm with your thrusts for the most effective stimulation. Notification lights on the top of the ring will also show what mode the SexFit is in, and illuminate in the centre when the rhythm is steady.

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Users can upload their ‘workout’ to the app and track their performance with the accompanying SexFit app that will provide insights into your intimate workout, including calories burnt and thrusts per minute. Much like other similar fitness tracker innovations, the SexFit allows the most dedicated users to share and compare their favourite sessions and impressive individual milestones with their peers on social media.