Kim Jong-un relying on “cobra wine’ after problems with his trouser snake

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ad_150313491North Korean despot Kim Jong-un has been guzzling pint after pint of ‘snake wine’, with the body of a dead cobra in the bottle – in a vain attempt to restore life to genitals he may not have seen for years due to his vast bulk.

Locals believe that the meaty brew increases the size of a man’s manhood – and improves chances of pregnancy.

Kim has piled on enormous amounts of weight after bingeing on Emmenthal cheese and Johnnie Walker whisky, and the 31-year-old is struggling to father a child with his lucky young wife, Ri Joi-Su, 22.

Kim believes that glugging litres of wine, mixed with rotting flesh and venom could be just the ticket to restore his virility and father a sibling for daughter Ju-ae, two.

One South Korean ex-pat said, ‘The elite in the country joke that he is too big to please his wife and that’s why they do not have any other children.’

‘One senior official said that Kim was drinking many bottles of snake wine to help him in the bedroom department.’

Jong-un was first exposed to Emmenthal while studying in Switzerland as a young man, and his fondness for the cheese is said to have rapidly escalated into dependence.

His ballooning weight is thought to be a result of daily binges on the cheese, which is used in fondues, gratins, raclettes and sandwiches.

Woman faces assault charge after Monopoly game gets out of hand

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An argument during a game of Monopoly turned nasty when a local woman slapped her boyfriend across the face and ended up in handcuffs on an assault charge, police said.

AR-141129536Alyssa Ferraro, 21, is charged with domestic violence-related simple assault.

Police said it was 11:59 p.m. Sunday when officers went to 61 Post Road for a reported domestic disturbance.

Ferraro told officers she got into an argument with her boyfriend over a game of Monopoly and slapped him with an open hand in the face.

Police said the victim did not require medical attention.

Ferraro was released on $2,000 personal recognizance bail pending arraignment Dec. 31 in 6th Circuit Court — Hooksett District Division.

Camera Hidden In Woman’s Pants Teaches Men A Lesson

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There’s no harm in looking, right? In this case, there may be harm in NOT looking.

In this nifty little video, a woman dons some workout clothes and walks around the streets of New York. But her pants are equipped with a hidden camera thats meant to catch passersby — both men and women — gawking at her posterior.

The lighthearted video captures dozens of people on the street looking in the direction of the camera. It’s hard to tell if they’re actually honed in on the model’s butt, or if they just happen to be looking in her direction.

But the butt of the joke is actually that this is a PSA for Movemeber, which promotes men’s health awareness. The video ends with a call out for “gentlemen” to “check out [their] own butt” — i.e., have their prostate checked.

Happy Movember!

Man called 911 and made fake gunshot noises in order to escape traffic tickets

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A near West Side man was ordered held on $50,000 bail Sunday after prosecutors said he called 911 while pulled over by police and reported a fake shooting in the hope that he could get out of the traffic tickets he was about to be issued.

ct-traffic-stop-911-call-met-1124-20141123-001Jorge Navarro Jr., 23, was pulled over by police around 2:40 a.m. Sunday in the 9500 block of South Kilbourn Avenue in suburban Oak Lawn, according to Cook County court records.

In the midst of the traffic stop, court records state that Navarro called 911 and said he heard eight gunshots and that a man had been shot and was lying on the ground a few blocks south on Kilbourn.

“Several officers drove to the scene with their emergency lights on,” according to court records.

When questioned, Navarro, of the 300 block of South Artesian Avenue, said he had phoned in the fake shooting, according to court records.

“He made the call to get out of several traffic violations,” according to court records.

In addition to a felony charge for making the bogus 911 call, court records state that Navarro received tickets for illegal transportation of an open alcohol container, speeding, no seat belt, driving without lights and improper lane usage.

If you’ve got bongs, crack pipes, and marijuana plants in your living room and manage to lock yourself out of your apartment, it’s probably best not to call 911 for help

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An Iowa City woman faces drug charges after she locked herself out of her apartment and required police help to regain entry.

B9315211938Z.1_20141121121612_000+G1C96OVUU.1-0According to a criminal complaint from Iowa City police, Jailin A. Turner, 19, of 29 W. Burlington St. No. 208, was charged with possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia, failure to affix drug tax stamp and disorderly house.

At 12:23 a.m. Friday, police were called to the address for a report of a female banging on a window, according to the complaint. When officers arrived, they found Turner on the balcony of apartment 208 trying to enter the apartment, yelling and kicking the window. Turner told police she lost her keys, the complaint states.

During the interaction, Turner threw a plastic patio table off the balcony in the direction of police officers, according to the complaint.

Officers unsuccessfully attempted to contact the building’s maintenance and management personnel, and then called the fire department, according to the complaint.

Firefighters ultimately broke in the door to help Turner regain entry to her apartment, according to the complaint. While inside the apartment, officers found two bongs in plain view, along with an electronic scale and grinder, according to the complaint.

Turner gave the officers consent to search her room and other common areas of the apartment, according to the complaint. Officers discovered two potted plants that appeared to be marijuana, with growing lights placed above them, the complaint states.

In total, officers found two bongs, two grinders, an electronic scale, two potted marijuana plants without tax stamps and two growing lights, the complaint states.