Worn at the base of the penis and connected to a free mobile app via Bluetooth, this hi-tech [penis] ring not only stimulates a harder erection with the tight band but tracks your performance during sex using internal technology similar to a pedometer. Powerful stimulating vibrations will tantalise both partners during use much in the same way as a conventional [penis] ring, but also allow for a revolutionary ‘pacing mode’ that vibrates in time to a pre-set rhythm. Match the rhythm with your thrusts for the most effective stimulation. Notification lights on the top of the ring will also show what mode the SexFit is in, and illuminate in the centre when the rhythm is steady.
Users can upload their ‘workout’ to the app and track their performance with the accompanying SexFit app that will provide insights into your intimate workout, including calories burnt and thrusts per minute. Much like other similar fitness tracker innovations, the SexFit allows the most dedicated users to share and compare their favourite sessions and impressive individual milestones with their peers on social media.
This story is a bust.
We’re knot kidding, see for yourself!
Other good puns on this story include these Imgur comments:
“Be nice if there was a pun in the caption, wooden tit?” And “it’s knot boobs tho.”
Police say Cameo Adawn Crispi, 32, repeatedly called and texted her former flame from his home in March, where she left the bacon over a lit burner.
The Deseret News reports the man wasn’t home and called police saying he wanted Crispi out of his house. Officers arrived and saw smoke flowing out the front door. Inside, they found hot coals on the floor around an open wood stove and the burned bacon.
Charging documents say Crispi’s blood-alcohol level was 0.346, four times the legal limit.
Crispi is due back in court in October to face arson, burglary and other charges.
Valdelucio Goncalves may have died from a heart attack, but it’s his brother who will likely need a heart checkup after finding his supposedly deceased sibling alive in a body bag.
Doctors declared Goncalves, 54, dead in Salvador, Brazil after “respiratory and multiple organ failure,” the Daily Mail reported this week. His family was notified and made arrangements for the funeral later that day.
Goncalves’ brother, Walterio, was let into the morgue to dress the body when he noticed something weird.
“As I got closer I could see it wriggling. Then I saw it raising and falling as if he was breathing,” he told the Mirror. “I went crazy and shouted for the medical team, the nurse, so they could see what was happening. They checked him and confirmed that he was still alive.”
The staff had to rush to free him; his body had been tied up and his nose and ears were filled with cotton wool, according to the BBC.
The Menandro de Farias Hospital, whose doctors declared Goncalves dead, has launched an investigation.
His niece, Patricia Cintra, told local newspaper Correio 24 Horas that the family was not only mortified — they’d paid for everything.
“We had even bought a coffin and paid a deposit for the funeral,” she said.
Still, she said her prayers had been answered when she found out her uncle was alive. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer three months before the heart attacks.
Goncalves can’t speak, but he wrote a letter claiming that he was brought back from death by a Brazilian saint.
“I, Valdelucio, saw death at my feet, but my faith was so great that I was cured,” he wrote, according to the Daily Mail. “Before Irma Dulce I said, do a miracle in me, and she heard my prayer. I saw my mother telling me, son, hold onto her and you will be saved.”
After this idiot jumps into an undercover officer’s vehicle to go about a drug deal, he learns the hard way that you probably should pull a gun out and threaten a customer, especially when they are setting you up.
Halfway through the “deal,” he decides he’d rather just steal her money rather than offer up the goods.
Things could have gotten really scary for this undercover cop. Luckily, backup was on hand to bring him to justice. And to tears.
Kota Baru firemen showed that they were up for the job when they were called upon to remove a steel ring stuck over a man’s private parts.
Zaki Ismail, from the fire station here, said they received a call from the emergency room of the Raja Perempuan Zainab II Hospital at about 7.25am on Sunday.
When asked how the ring got stuck over the man’s penis, he said he was unsure as he did not have details.
“We were concentrating on the job of removing the ring.
“The man was also unconscious at the time,” he told The Star Online on Monday.
Zaki said the Department was called upon as the hospital did not have the right tools for the procedure.
“We had to go back to the station to get the right tools to perform the procedure,” he said.
“Under section 341 of the Fire Services Act 1988, we were allowed to perform the rescue,” he said adding that it took about an hour to perform the procedure.
He added that while removing rings from fingers was common, this was the first time he had come across a ring stuck on a man’s penis.
“You can’t have shaky hands and you have to be very confident while performing the procedure,” he said.