Man Assaulted Ex-Girlfriend While Returning Home From Court-Ordered Anger Management Class

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johnnywilkinsAfter being picked up by his ex-girlfriend from a court-ordered anger management class, a South Carolina man last night allegedly struck the woman in the head during an argument in her vehicle, police report.

Johnny Wilkins, 42, was arrested by Spartanburg cops on a domestic violence charge and booked into the county jail, where he is being held in lieu of $5237 bond.

Wilkins, seen at right, was attending the anger management class in connection with a prior domestic abuse conviction. The victim in that case was Eingar Hughes, the same woman he is accused of assaulting yesterday.

According to cops, while Wilkins was in Hughes’s car, the pair engaged in a “heated” conversation. At one point, Wilkins hit Hughes on the right side of her face, “causing it to bruise and swell.” Wilkins said that Hughes then hit him in the face, resulting in bruising and cuts inside his lower lip. Hughes, though, was not charged in connection with Wednesday’s confrontation.

Two 10-year-olds caught selling grandparents’ pot at Colorado school

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male_cannabis_plant_pictureTwo 10-year-old boys in Colorado were caught selling and swapping marijuana that they pilfered from their grandparents’ supplies of legally purchased pot in separate incidents at the same school, a district official said on Wednesday.

John Gates, director of safety and security for Weld County School District 6, said a fourth-grade boy at Monfort Elementary in Greeley brought a small amount of marijuana to school on Monday and sold it to three other classmates.

“He made $11 on the deal,” Gates said.

The following day, one of the other students who purchased the weed brought a marijuana-infused edible product to school and gave it to the boy who made the original sale, Gates said.

That boy nibbled on the edible, but suffered no ill-effects, Gates said, adding that another student observed the incident and reported it to school authorities.

Ultimately, the district disciplined four fourth-grade students, three boys and one girl, in connection with the two incidents, Gates said, but he declined to specify the nature of the punishment.

Voters in Colorado approved the possession and use of small amounts of cannabis by adults for recreational purposes in 2012, and the first state-licensed retail pot stores opened in the state in January.

Gates said the both boys caught bringing marijuana to school had taken the cannabis from their respective grandparents, who had purchased the pot products legally from state-sanctioned shops.

The principal of the school, Jennifer Sheldon, sent a letter home to parents informing them of the incidents, noting that “disciplinary action is underway” for the involved students.

“We urge all parents, grandparents and anyone who cares for children to treat marijuana as you would prescription drugs, alcohol, or even firearms,” the letter said. “This drug is potentially lethal to children and should always be kept under lock and key, away from young people.”

Sergeant Joe Tymkowich, spokesman for the Greeley Police Department, said no criminal investigation was underway, either for the students or their grandparents.

Under Colorado law, children age 10 or younger cannot be held criminally responsible for their actions, he said, and police determined there was no criminal intent by the adults.

“By the time the school even became aware of it, all the evidence was gone anyway,” he said.

Argument Over Corn Dog Ends With Woman Behind Bars

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3551539_G A Carrollton, Texas, woman is behind bars on charges after an argument over a corn dog.

Midland Police were called out to business in the 1200 block of Lamesa Road after getting a call about a disturbance with weapons.

The business told police that 45-year-old Charmelle Henry threw 75 cents at a worker and demanded a corn dog.

The workers gave Henry a corn dog but she threw it back at them because she wanted one that wasn’t microwaved.

After the workers got Henry as second corn dog, they noticed she had a pocketknife in her hand.

According to the arrest affidavit, Henry got “extremely agitated” and made threats towards the workers saying she would kill them in cold blood while demanding for another corn dog.

Henry then began stabbing the countertop and told the workers she would kill them. She then began to try and jump through a window to get to the workers and that’s when police were called.

The affidavit states that police asked Henry three times to comply with the officers commands but she didn’t. Officers then stated to Henry that if she didn’t comply that a K-9 would be used on her. Again, she didn’t comply and the K-9 was set loose.

Henry was later handcuffed and taken to Midland Memorial Hospital. After being medically cleared, Henry was taken to jail.

Henry is facing two charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Motorcyclist Loses Girlfriend, Keeps Driving While She Hangs on for Dear Life

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Everyone’s heard the saying that chicks dig guys with bikes, right?

But the guy in the video above seems to have taken the message the wrong way.

Check out this short video of guy who lost his passenger, but continues swerving through traffic anyway.

Cue Drake lyrics, “Just hold on we’re going home.”

Are you thinking about buying a motorcycle to impress a lady? Just make sure you notice when she falls off the back will ya?

Cops find loaded gun in Tennessee woman’s vagina

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pistol24n-1-webThat’s no place to pack a pistol.

A Tennessee woman being booked for driving with a suspended license was slapped with weapons charges after cops found a loaded gun in her vagina, The Smoking Gun reported.

Dallas Archer, 19, was arrested at around 3:15 p.m. Monday and brought to Kingsport jail, where cops found the tiny gun concealed in her private parts, cops said.

A female cop was performing a routine search when she noticed an “unknown object” in Archer’s groin.

She and another female officer then took the blond perp into the bathroom, where they discovered the 4-inch North American Arms 22LR revolver.

Police said the $250 gun originally belonged to John Souther, a retired car salesman from Kingsport.

A man celebrating his birthday pees on a van. Then things go really wrong

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A Marysville man has been arrested for investigation of assault and possessing a stolen firearm after an early morning shooting Monday.

The suspect had been celebrating his 22nd birthday Monday when he allegedly was spotted urinating on a van in the 5800 block of 60th Drive NE.

A woman who lived in the van with another person confronted him and got his license plate number, court papers said.

The man allegedly fired four shots into the van. The woman was struck by shrapnel and had non life-threatening injuries, according to court papers.

The man allegedly told police that he made a bad choice and he had not felt threatened.

The artist who lays eggs with her vagina – or why performance art is so silly

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Milo Moire creates Plop Egg painting Art Cologne 2014Performance art is a joke. Taken terribly seriously by the art world, it is a litmus test of pretension and intellectual dishonesty. If you are wowed by it, you are either susceptible to pseudo-intellectual guff, or lying.

Is that overstating the case? Probably. There have been some powerful works of performance art – but most of them took place a long time ago, in the early 1970s, when the likes of Marina Abramovic and Chris Burden were risking all. Or perhaps the golden age of performance art was even longer ago, in the days of the Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich in 1916. Back then, Dada performance was a real menace to society, when Hugo Ball stood in a wizard costume declaiming words that made as little sense as the world war then raging.

Today, most art that claims to part of this modern tradition of performance is an embarrassing revelation of the art world’s distance from real aesthetic values or real human life. Take, for instance, the latest nude egg layer from Germany.

Performance artist Milo Moiré creates abstract paintings by pushing eggs filled with paint and ink out of her vaginal canal. She does this while standing naked in front of an audience. The nudity, apparently, is artistically essential. As for the act of pushing paint-filled eggs out of her body, it is – as no doubt you perceive – a powerful feminist statement about women, fertility and creativity.

And yet it’s not a strong statement at all. It is absurd, gratuitous, trite and desperate. Anywhere but an art gathering, this would be regarded as a satire on modern cultural emptiness.

Shoplifter asks police to watch stolen bike

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Mark_Thomas_DensmoreDeKalb County police say a man who they arrested for shoplifting asked them to watch a bike he stole.

Mark Densmore was arrested for shoplifting at a Walmart on Dunwoody Rd. Monday night.

During his arrest, Densmore reportedly asked officers to secure his bicycle because it was “very nice and expensive.”

Police say they secured the bicycle, ran the serial number and discovered it was reported stolen from a condominium in Atlanta days prior.

Oh those nutty TSA agents and their pranks

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Anyone who’s danced the airport waltz is probably familiar with random delays, overpriced everything, and security precautions that flirt with idiotic excess. The only thing that could make this ordeal any more infuriating is if the people working at the airport conspire like some fraternal order of travel trolls to worsen everyone’s experience with all kinds of juvenile stunts and stupid behaviors.

SPOILER ALERT: This totally happens all the time.

#6. Airport Body Scanners Have Been Used to Rate (and Berate) Your Junk

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The advent of airport body scanners, broadly manufactured by the appropriately (albeit disturbingly) named Rapiscan Systems, has forced passengers and lawmakers alike to question the use of Superman vision to inspect people’s junk for terrorist plots. But the TSA has long maintained the necessity of this creepily intrusive technology in the war on underwear bombs. Besides, it would be handled by only the most mature and highly trained individuals, right? Otherwise body scanners would render security screenings little more than an irradiated striptease for every puerile jackass with a voyeuristic streak.

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Not your grandpa’s porn. But possibly your grandma.

Former TSA screener Rolando Negrin would probably beg to differ. While undergoing body scanner training at a Miami facility, his co-workers noticed on the screen that Negrin was packing a petite pecker. Naturally, Negrin’s colleagues hounded him about this for months, withering his penis to an insecure husk and demonstrating the stalwart professionalism with which every airport patron is likely treated. Negrin, ill-equipped to dick-whip his assailants into contrition, cornered one of his co-workers in the airport parking lot, whipped out an extendable police baton, and proceeded to beat an apology out of his harasser. In doing so, he landed himself a stint in jail and guaranteed that any person confronting the probing eyes and hands of airport security would be examined in a dignified manner.

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“This way, sir. My finger will be with you shortly.”

Or not. According to ex-TSA agent Jason Harrington (and every fiber of common sense in your exposed body), body scanners are much more effective for mercilessly ridiculing passengers from behind closed doors than they are for spotting terrorists. Plastic explosives were apparently indistinguishable from fat rolls, leaving screeners with little more to do than make a sport out of laughing at overweight passengers and guessing the sex of ambiguously shaped bodies passing through scans. And when they aren’t laughing their asses off at man boobs and crotchular irregularities, screeners racially profile your genitals in the name of … national security, or, as Harrington explained, “All the old, crass stereotypes about race and genitalia size thrived on our secure government radio channels.” Which makes us feel markedly insecure. In our pants.

But all of that has changed, at least in theory. As of 2013, the practice of using passengers like X-rated Rorschach tests came to a long-desired end as the naked scan gave way to L-3 scanning technology, which produces cartoon-like renderings of bodies being scanned. And we have no reason not to believe them when they say this — if we can’t trust the TSA, who can we trust?

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The CI- nope. The AT- nope. The IR- nope.

#5. Baggage Hijinks and Wholesale Theft Happen More Often Than You Think

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One of the more harrowing aspects of air travel, aside from unforgivably subpar food and the prospect of falling out of the damned sky, is luggage checks. Anything could be going on while a passenger isn’t looking. And it turns out that secretly screwing with your stuff is par for the course. But for lawyer and Internet writer Jill Filipovic, that secret was crudely revealed when her checked bag was randomly selected for a TSA screening. The inspecting agent apparently uncovered the vibrator in Filipovic’s bag and decided to offer words of encouragement:

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“Also, you’ll probably want to wash that now.”

If you can’t read the photo, a disturbingly unsubtle note was written on a TSA slip and inserted in Filipovic’s luggage: “Get your freak on, girl.” Despite what the TSA agent must have seen as a bonding moment between joker and punchline, Filipovic didn’t like knowing that the stranger paid to wade ear-deep through her panties probably imagined her in the throes of mechanized self-love and felt the need to share their reaction. On the bright side, at least the message was privately relayed, and the agent responsible was quickly dispatched like a gangrenous testicle. The same can’t be said about the unknown baggage handlers who left a rather indiscreet message for a passenger retrieving his suitcase after a delayed flight:

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“Well, Samsonite, I’m surprised, but you’re my suitcase and I love you no matter what.”

But some commit far greater trespasses in the form of blatant thievery. While it probably comes as no surprise that people left alone with valuable objects occasionally succumb to the five-finger itch, some elevate that shit to crazy heights, like the TSA agent convicted of snagging $800,000 worth of items from travelers’ bags. There’s also the baggage handler who was caught on film adding to the $84,000 stash of stolen guns, jewelry, and watches he amassed over eight months. So it’s not like it’s easy to get away with it or anything.

#4. Southwest Airlines Traumatized an Employee With a Fake Arrest

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With all the stress of preparing to cram yourself and your loved ones into a flying sardine can, it’s probably easy to forget how hard some of the airport employees have it. For example, if you work the ticket desk, your job is to keep a serene face as every breed of ill temper and halitosis invade your space and slide you passports with booger-tainted hands. It gets even worse if your employer’s idea of a good time involves handcuffs and manhandling.

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But at least you’d have an excuse to wear your gimp suit on Casual Friday.

This was the awkward predicament Southwest Airlines employee Marcie Fuerschbach found herself in after completing her training to work at the ticket counter. A company known for a jovial, quirky atmosphere, Southwest apparently also specialized in elaborate pranks, like having its employees arrested in the middle of work.

With the aid of two real police officers, Fuerschbach was unceremoniously interrupted in front of all of her co-workers and the customers in line and dragged off in handcuffs after her badge and other belongings were confiscated. The charge? A crime that had allegedly been uncovered during her background check. This was all a shock for the mortified Fuerschbach, who began to weep uncontrollably, if not from fear or humiliation, then due to the physical pain of being forced into handcuffs.

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“Oh, sorry, we’ll stop now … I mean I kinda spent a lot of time setting up a whole mock execution thing, but it’s fine …”

Before Fuerschbach completely morphed into a giant ulcer, she was let in on the joke with a chorus of congratulations and clapping. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to dry her tears, which gushed so profusely that she had to be let off work early, only to return the next day and begin crying all over again. In the end, she was so overwhelmed by the impromptu initiation ceremony that the only way she could adequately express her gratitude was a lawsuit.

Unfortunately for her, the court ruled that Southwest was not liable for any damages (she would have had to go after the cops who did the arresting), and at most she was permitted to seek worker’s compensation for injuries suffered. The lesson? The legal system is mostly OK with pulling pranks at airports that involve armed men. So go try it!*

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*Do not do this. You will be killed.

And speaking of terrifyingly ill-conceived airport fuckery …

#3. A TSA Agent Pranked Passengers With Fake Narcotics

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All the flack the TSA takes probably leaves some agents constantly resisting the urge to dick around with passengers out of spite, or at least to distract themselves from the daily tidal waves of traveler disdain. Combine that with a license to probe orifices on your body you didn’t know existed and the authority to detain would-be flyers for offenses as minor as having a bad attitude, and you’ve got a recipe for some truly horrifying shenanigans.

So, one bomb appraisal officer working at Philadelphia International Airport decided to prank the fear of God (read: federal prison) into some unsuspecting victims passing through a security checkpoint. On at least two separate occasions, the officer, whose name is being withheld, decided it would be a great idea to convince air commuters that they’d been caught carrying cocaine. According to official documents obtained by the Smoking Gun, the apparently duty-free bomb appraiser left his post at will with a vial of creatine powder, the stuff of muscleheads, and passed it off as the stuff of crackheads, then approached flyers asking if it was theirs.

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“No, sorry. But if you find any heroin, I lost that.”

The first individual the officer approached apparently had a good laugh about it. But like a tragic hero in love with his own hubris, the agent approached two more people, one of whom was 22-year-old Rebecca Solomon. For some reason Solomon found little humor in the prospect of discovering firsthand that orange really is the new black and began to cry. The officer, failing to take Solomon’s emotional distress as his cue to apologize and beg for the sake of his job, dismissively insisted that the prank was funny.

Unfortunately for the explosives expert, his joke bombed with airport officials, too, guaranteeing him a one-way ticket to Pink Slip City. It kind of seems like he should have seen that coming, since he worked for an agency that arrests travelers for merely joking about illegal activities.

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Do as we say, not as we … just do what we say.

But incredibly, that’s only the second most insane airport prank we’ve heard about …

#2. A Baggage Handler at LAX Wreaked Havoc With Dry Ice Bombs

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On a Sunday night in October 2013, operations at Los Angeles International Airport were suspended in the tense uncertainty caused by an explosion in an employee restroom. The next night, all airport activities were once more brought to a standstill by explosive devices, this time positioned near terminals and, according to some, possibly near airplanes. People seated for takeoff must have been scared shitless by news of the apparent attack — the people seated in the bathroom even more so.

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“Uhhhhh, this is your captain, we’re going back to the gate for some uhhhhhh cockpit seat maintenance issues.”

This booming mayhem wasn’t the work of some diabolical terrorist cackling in the darkness, but rather the harebrained antics of a jackass with a few bottles and enough dry ice to make them go boom in a very loud if not particularly destructive way (no, we’re not going to tell you how to make a dry ice bomb — you’ll have to go look it up yourself).

Who would do something so irresponsibly buffoonish in the post-9/11 era? Baggage handler Dicarlo Bennett, that’s who. Good old Dicarlo decided it would be a good idea to snag some dry ice that was being used to refrigerate food on a plane and use it to simulate a terrorist act. “Why?” you ask? Well, why not?

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“I tried writing ‘BOMB’ on the plane bathroom toilet paper, but nobody ever saw it.”

According to law enforcement officials, Bennett was driven by a nagging “desire to construct and experience a device exploding,” an urge that apparently couldn’t be satisfied after just one night of widespread panic. Of course, he probably wasn’t expecting what was essentially a bored middle schooler’s last resort for mischievous fun to land him in jail with a $1 million bond and a set of federal charges to boot. We’d suggest that maybe the guy should have had better supervision, but it turns out his supervisor may have been in on the whole thing.

#1. Dumb Security Breaches Are Made to Accommodate “Special” Passengers

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Those of us who take the fateful march down Security Shame Lane for the sake of going airborne can take solace in the fact that all travelers share this awful experience like some secret Kubrickian cult (one premised on degrading submission to a perverse overseer, but severely lacking in awesome sex parties). After all, permission to bypass the gatekeepers of the sky is reserved for popes, presidents, and people with deadly frisking allergies — those rare cases where easing up on security would seem totally reasonable. Plus Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. Wait, what?

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In the TSA’s defense, searching Kim and Kanye’s bag would be like opening the Ark of the Covenant.

As it turns out, airport employees skirt mandatory safety precautions for reasons ranging from “some frivolous bullshit” to “some nepotistic bullshit.” In the case of Kim-ye, a star-struck airport employee abused his security clearance in order to facilitate their journey to the plane without pesky security checkpoints, ultimately delaying the whole flight by 50 minutes so that Kardashian and West could be removed from the plane and properly screened. In other cases, government officials and airline executives have also been caught granting friends and family members access to nonpublic areas and helping them skip all those pesky pat downs and luggage X-rays.

How often does this happen? Well, of the 140 confirmed security breaches at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport over a two-year period, about 76 percent of them were security badge violations. In addition to being a slap to the face of all the law-abiding passengers, that’s a massive security risk. Take, for example, Damien Young, who had his roommate, a customer service agent at Philadelphia International Airport, perform a Jackie Brown-esque bag switch to get a gun past security checkpoints so he could board the plane with it.

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“If you tell the stewardess you’re an air marshal, you get an extra bag of peanuts!”

Other airport workers have been caught smuggling drugs, money, and even a freaking machine gun onto commercial flights on behalf of dangerous criminals, rendering moot every impromptu breast exam the TSA has performed on travelers in the name of security. And all it took was a flash of a badge — because apparently the people who could most easily jeopardize lives are also the least monitored.