They look a lot bigger in person than they do in photos. At least, that’s what your mom told me last night.
If there’s someone in your life who is, for lack of a better term, a total dick, you’ve probably struggled with deciding how to confront them. You could talk to them in person. You could write a sharply worded email enumerating all your grievances against them. Or you could send them a package that lets them know, in no uncertain terms, exactly how you feel. And by package, we literally mean a package.
Enter Shipadick.com, which is exactly what it sounds like: a website that allows you to ship a two-and-a-half-foot cardboard erect penis to anyone in the world.
For $9.99, you can send a standard 29-inch dick; for $14.99, you can also add a customizable message or one from the site’s drop-down menu, filled with such Algonquin Round Table nuggets as “SLAP!”, “I love you,” “Mine bends where yours ends,” “Congrats! You’ve got Herpes!” or just an elegant, concise “You’re a dick.” There are also holiday versions available, such as a heart with a dick going through it for Valentine’s Day, and a dick with a crown of thorns around the head for Easter this month.
Ship A Dick is the brainchild of Marshall and Chester, two longtime BFFs who met while working as valets at a Portland hotel. (The two run a laser-cutter engraving company together in the area and don’t want to reveal their last names for fear of alienating prospective clients.) Back in 2012, they were emailing back and forth in preparation for a trade convention in Marshall’s home state of California when the idea took root.
“Marshall’s older brother is sort of a dick, so he said, ‘Cut a giant dick out of cardboard just in case my brother shows up,” Chester recalled. “So I read the email and pretty much instantly said, ‘Dude, we should probably make a website where people order giant cardboard dicks and mail them to each other.”
“We just want to make the world a better place,” Marshall added.
The dicks themselves are 29-inch erect cardboard monstrosities that are generally brown on one side and white on the other. With the exception of a one-balled “charity dick” version made to honor a friend of Chester’s who was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, the dicks don’t reflect any of the anatomical variations usually found in dick nature. There are no veiny dicks, for example, or dicks that curve to the left or right.
For reasons better left unprinted, we sent one to our intrepid Daily Dot managing editor. It arrived just in time for his birthday on April Fools’ Day (no joke), and was addressed from one “Hugh Johnson.” (Cue Simpsons prank call.) He opened it at dinner, much to the apparent horror of the child sitting beside him. Needless to say, it was a worthwhile expenditure, if only for the resulting photo.
Since 2012, when Ship A Dick first launched, the website has been slowly growing, with Marshall and Chester fielding requests for at least five dicks a day; during holiday seasons like Valentine’s Day and Christmas, they’ll get up to 10 to 15 orders a day. Unsurprisingly, they often ship to New York City’s Financial District.
That raises the question: Exactly what kind of people are willing to spend $15.00 on a customizable cardboard dick (other than Daily Dot reporters emotionally scarring American youth)?
Marshall and Chester don’t know, but they’ve gotten some tantalizing hints in the form of the customized messages people ask them to put on their dicks.
“One of my favorites was ‘Stop fucking blacking out, you dick,’ all in capitals,” Marshall said.
“My favorite simply said ‘I’m pregnant’ on it,” Chester added.
“Some girl—we’re assuming she was drunk—ordered 7 or 8 in one night,” noted Marshall. “It said ‘Hello Grandma, Satan loves you.’”
While one would assume that many of the dick receipients would be victims of a prank or an act of vengeance—think tyrannical bosses, or estranged exes—Marshall and Chester say 90 percent of the messages are lighthearted inside jokes. “We’ve definitely worded the site in such a way to stay away from the revenge-style, get back at your enemy thing,” Chester said. “We try to make it seem like a funny goofy thing and like ‘Here’s a giant penis, you can send it to your friends and say whatever you want on it.’”
But that doesn’t mean that the two don’t sometimes get complaints from recipients, particularly those who receive blank dicks, who sometimes have no idea who sent them the dick and why.
“We’ve only gotten three complaints this year so far, from people offended enough to demand where the dicks came from, and they were all blank dicks,” said Marshall, noting that Ship A Dick has a strict policy of anonymity. “In a way, the blank dick is more offensive because you don’t know what it means. You don’t know how to take it if it doesn’t have some message.”
Eventually, Marshall and Chester plan to expland Ship A Dick so it can become a “one-stop shop for all your dick novelty needs,” floating around ideas for T-shirts, dick ice cube trays, and “those capsules that expand when you put them in water, but, like, in six-inch dick form.” (They’ve also floated around the idea of making a vagina version for the ladies, having registered the domain names for Ship A Clit and Ship A Vag, though they acknowledge that comes with its own unique design problems. “It’s harder to cartoonize a vagina,” Chester said. “Where would you put the message? That keeps us awake at night.”)
For now, though, they’re content with sticking to cardboard dicks. In a hyper-digitized world where you’re about as likely to receive a letter in the mail as you are to stumble on a Blockbuster in your neighborhood, there’s something almost poignant and quaint about receiving a giant cardboard dick in the mail. Whether it contains a message of vengeance or a message of love, or even a message that makes no sense at all, shipping a dick shows the recipient that you’re thinking of them, for good or for ill.
“One of the reasons why people like shipping giant cardboard dicks to a friend in the mail is it’s personal in a way,” Marshall said. “If you get a surprise dick in the mail, that’s gonna have a pretty big impact on your day, one way or another.”
Plus, Chester said, there’s just something about the dick itself that just tickles the funny bone[r]. “They’re this weird, goofy part of the body that serves almost no purpose, unless you’re in the middle of sex or something,” he says. “They’re just this hilarious appendage.”
IT IS the ‘herbal’ energy drink marketed to adults that is guaranteed to give you a rise.
The Therapeutic Goods Administration is warning of the ‘stiff’ side effects of drinking MosKa, after it was found to include ingredients used in the treatment of erectile dysfunction.
While some might not consider this an undesirable side effect, a safety advisory released yesterday warns that the drink “poses a serious risk to your health and should not be taken”.
The drink contains vardenafil, a prescription-only substance, at levels above what is allowed in Australia.
Side effects can include nausea, abdominal and back pain, palpitations and priapism, where the penis remains erect for longer than four hours.
Ironically this can cause impotence in rare cases, or can bring on a heart attack.
MosKa can be purchased online and the drink was also promoted at Sexpo Sydney last year, according to its Twitter account.
But the TGA warns that its supply is now illegal in Australia and it will work with Customs to help stop supplies entering the country.
“If these bottles are found at the border by Customs they will be seized and destroyed,” the advisory says.
New York has a new club for underage partiers, but you have to be younger than 12 to get in.
CNN Money ran a story this week about a new company called Fuzipop that puts together dance parties for children at major nightclubs around Manhattan.
Held once a month for children ages 6-12 and their parents, the three-hour dance parties typically cost $20 for a parent and child to get in, and $60 for a family of four. A 9-year-old child DJs the events (it’s not clear whether he or she was trained at Brooklyn’s baby DJ school), and professional dancers help keep kids entertained. The kids get down with glow sticks and guzzle juice boxes—seriously.
A CNN Money reporter recently attended one such party at the West Village’s Pink Elephant on a Sunday afternoon, where just 12 hours earlier, the crowd was a lot less wholesome.
The scene she described sounds plain awful:
Inside, parents lined up the full cash bar as their kids leaped around the dance floor shouting out the words to “What Does the Fox Say.”
The tables usually reserved for VIPs ordering pricey bottle service were littered with champagne glasses and juice boxes. The bartender, who’s used to serving a liquored-up, over-21 crowd on Saturday nights, was surprised by how much the parents were imbibing. The most popular drink that afternoon was vodka.
Fuzipop says on its website that its goal is to “inspire the next generation of DJs, music producers, artists, dancers and music business moguls. Growing up in New York City is a unique one-of-a-kind experience and city kids deserve an event of the same stature.”
The idea behind the events may be to get children into music, but we have a feeling these parties are more for their parents. One mother at the April Fuzipop event told CNN Money that Fuzipop lets parents “live vicariously through our kids, and we can all blow off steam together.”
That seems more like it.
She had given up her modelling career to marry Dino in 2003 and set up a successful skin care range.
But Monica, from Canyon County, Santa Clarita, chose to walk the catwalk once again following the birth of their children in 2010.
Dino opposed the move, according to sources, and finally “hit the roof” when she posed for photographer Kenneth Matthews.
They began a custody battle over their children and a bitter divorce process. She later found out he was taped trying to hire a friend to kill her.
“The tipping point was a photo shoot she did with Kenneth Matthews in 2012. Dino saw the pictures and hit the roof.
“It was a professional shoot in an LA studio, there was a team of assistants, make up artists and stylists. But Dino accused Monica and Kenneth of getting too close.
“Sure the photos are raunchy – they are underwear shots – but that’s what Monica’s fans expect. Dino told her she wasn’t doing anymore photo shoots. Period.
“He stopped her doing anymore movie shoots, he killed a possible movie deal.
“That’s when Monica knew she needed to leave him. And Dino went crazy. He was a control freak who needed to be win at everything. It was then he allegedly hired the hitman.”
Guglielmelli allegedly offered Richard Fuhrmann $80,000 to kill his wife.
He has been in custody since being unable to find the $10million bail.
Monica is now fighting to regain her share of their skin-care business. Monica’s representatives were unable to comment on the case.
A Fayetteville man was arrested Wednesday after police say he raped a two-year-old girl and recorded it on a cell phone.
Scott Sholds, 31, was arrested on suspicion of distributing, possession and viewing child pornography, computer exploitation of a child and felony rape or sexual intercourse. He remained Wednesday in the Washington County Detention Center on $100,000 bond, according to the Washington County Sheriff’s Office.
His arraignment is set for May 16, according to the Sheriff’s Office.
Police said Sholds’ ex-girlfriend lost her phone after her son took it and gave it to Sholds, the boy’s father. After the ex-girlfriend recovered her cell phone, she noticed a video on it apparently showing Sholds having sex with a very young girl, later identified as the two-year-old daughter of an acquaintance, according to a preliminary report from the Washington County Prosecutor’s Office.
The ex-girlfriend told police she was sure the man in the video was Sholds. Police later matched the voice on the phone with the voice of Sholds, according to the preliminary report.
Sholds allegedly denied being in the video and told police he never lived or slept at the girl’s home. Police later learned he actually had lived there for at least the last nine days, the report states.
They meet on clandestine Internet forums. Or in clubs. Or sometimes at barbecue parties, where as many as 10 adherents gather every month to eat meat and frolic in an outfit that falls somewhere between a Power Ranger’s tunic and Spider-Man’s digs.
It’s called “zentai.” And in Japan, it can mean a lot of things. To 20-year-old Hokkyoku Nigo, it means liberation from the judgment and opinions of others. To a 22-year-old named Hanaka, it represents her lifelong fascination with superheroes. Then to a 36-year-old teacher named Nezumiko, it elicits something sexual. “I like to touch and stroke others and to be touched and stroked like this,” she told the AFP’s Harumi Ozawa.
But to most outsiders, zentai means exactly what it looks like: spandex body suits.
Where did this phenomenon come from and what does it mean? In a culture of unique displays — from men turning trucks into glowing light shows to women wearing Victoria-era clothing — zentai appears to be yet another oddity in a country well accustomed to it.
The trend can take on elements of prurience, however, and groups called things like “zentai addict” and “zentai fetish” teem on Facebook. There are zentai ninjas. There are zentai Pokemon. There are zentai British flags and zentai American flags.
An organization called the Zentai Project, based in England, explains it as “a tight, colorful suit that transforms a normal person into amusement for all who see them . … The locals don’t know what to make of us, but the tourists love us and we get onto lots of tourist snaps — sometimes we can hardly walk 3 steps down the street before being stopped to pose for another picture.”
Though the trend is now apparently global, it was once just a group of Japanese climbing into skintight latex for unknown reasons.
“With my face covered, I cannot eat or drink like other customers,” Hokkyoku Nigo says in the AFP story. “I have led my life always worrying about what other people think of me. They say I look cute, gentle, childish or naive. I have always felt suffocated by that. But wearing this, I am just a person in a full body suit.”
Ikuo Daibo, a professor at Tokyo Mirai University, says wearing full body suits may reflect a sense of societal abandonment. People are acting out to define their individuality.
“In Japan,” he said, ”many people feel lost; they feel unable to find their role in society. They have too many role models and cannot choose which one to follow.”
So what has that caused them to wear neon-red body suits and prance in the streets?
“In a way, they are trying to expose their deeper self by hiding their own identity,” said Daibo. “I find it a very interesting way of communication.”
But despite giggles from around the internet and outside the doors, the store at 901 N. Glebe Road has kept the logo plastered on its windows for at least 5 years. And there’s no indication that it will be changing any time soon.
The restaurant’s owner declined requests for comment, demanding that an ARLnow.com employee leave the store after identifying himself as a reporter — but before even getting a chance to ask about the sign.
It’s unclear why the store has stuck with the logo — which seems intended to be a mustachioed figure with an prodigiously tall chef’s hat — for all these blush-inducing years. Commentary about the sign on Yelp dates back to 2009.
“My coworkers refer to the place as CnB Deli,” Steve L. wrote in 2009. “If you look at the picture I’ve attached you’ll see why: the logo for this place is of a huge c— and balls.”
“Welcome to Dong Deli,” Steve T. wrote in 2011. “Despite the ridic [sic] logo, the food isn’t that bad.”
The most recent review on the Yelp page was written last year by Matt R., who gave the deli five stars. Matt wrote: “I have never eaten here but their logo is a PENIS WITH A MOUSTACHE. 5 stars.”
Brandon Kline, visiting the area from his home on Long Island, N.Y., said he didn’t notice the sign at first, until he was walking from the Ballston Metro to the Holiday Inn a block away from Market Place Cafe and saw that a crowd had gathered to take photos.
“It was soon apparent why the crowd was taking pictures,” Kline told ARLnow.com. Kline said it reminded him of the phallic sign for the Austin Motel in Austin, Texas, “but even that isn’t as bad” as Market Place’s.
“They definitely knew it was a [penis] sign when they made it,” Kline’s girlfriend, Abby Koppa, said. “There’s no way it was unintentional.”