If you’re contemplating sex with a rodeo clown in Massachusetts, watch out: The long arm of the law may be coming for you. Mustachioed men, it’s probably best if you just avoid Indiana altogether. And ladies, you don’t have to put up with your lover’s bad breath anymore — in Minnesota, you are legally protected from the smell of garlic and onions.
Think these laws are weird? We’re just getting started. These bizarre rules of attraction give a whole new meaning to the term “penal code.”
Is This Your First Rodeo?
As a Massachusetts native, I think I speak on behalf of the entire Bay State when I say we’re totally OK with you having sex with a rodeo clown. As far as we’re concerned, what happens at the rodeo stays at the rodeo. We’re pretty liberal like that — a solid blue state through and through.
Wait, what’s that you say? There are horses present? Won’t somebody think of the horses?! If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times: No having sex with rodeo clowns in the presence of horses! And we mean it! (Really, we do: It’s illegal in Massachusetts.)
Prince Charming Need Not Apply
Sleeping Beauty is so 1950s. This is the 21st century, people: Women don’t just lie around waiting for their princes to arrive! In fact, it’s literally illegal to do so in Colorado, where kissing a sleeping woman is prohibited by law. So, guys, you’ll just have to find some other way to wake her from the evil witch’s spell.
In Alabama, it’s against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery, or a promise of marriage.” (That doesn’t leave you a lot of options.) But that’s nothing compared to the rules in Ottumwa, Iowa, where you can’t even wink at a pretty lady with whom you are “unacquainted.”
Maybe Next Time He’ll Think Before He Cheats
In Arkansas, adultery is punishable by a fine of $20 to $100, which is steep but hardly prohibitive. That might explain Bill Clinton’s time in Little Rock. Good thing he wasn’t governor of California, though: An illicit affair in the Golden State could set you back $1,000.
Plus, They’re Kinda Scratchy
Maybe this is why they never filmed an episode of Magnum, P.I. in the Hoosier State. Mustaches are illegal in Indiana if the owner of said facial hair “has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.” Soul patches and goatees, though? Totally legal.
Brush Your Teeth First
Is the American Dental Association behind this one? Men of Alexandria, Minnesota, be warned: It’s against the law to have sex with your wife if your breath smells of garlic, onions, or sardines. Ladies, know your rights: The law mandates that your man must brush his teeth if you request it!
Even If You’re Shooting Blanks
File this one under “weirdly specific” laws: In Wisconsin, a man may not fire a gun while his partner is having an orgasm. Welcome to the wussification of America!
The Virgin Suicides
Talk about a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma: In Washington, it’s illegal to have sex with a virgin, even on the wedding night. Surprisingly, “Washington: Once a Virgin, Always a Virgin” is not the state’s official motto.
No Shirt, No Service
In Hawaii, it’s illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks — which, correct me if I’m wrong, basically puts the entire cast of Hawaii Five-0 on the list of America’s Most Wanted. (It may also explain all the leis.) This is still better than the law of the land in Kentucky, however. In the Bluegrass State, a lady may not wear a bathing suit on a highway unless she’s escorted by at least two police officers … and armed with a club.
In Ames, Iowa, it’s illegal for husbands to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their wives. In a related story, the inventor of the wide-mouthed beer can may have been a husband from Ames, Iowa.
Note: The frighteningly comprehensive website WeirdSexLaws.com served as my primary resource for this article.
—By Josh Roberts