The best sex tips you’ll ever hear — from a man with no penis

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Leave it to a man with no penis to school the Internet on sexual intimacy. That’s what happened when a man who allegedly lost part of his genitals in a childhood accident took to Reddit toanswer questions about life without a phallus.

gZdrmUuUnder the evocative screen name “penisindoor,” he claimed that at age 12 he put his erect member through a door crack to tease his buddies and one of them — a friend who was, in “penisindoor’s” words, unfamiliar with the basic laws of physics — slammed it shut. After a trip to the hospital, he says he was left with just the stump of his penis, fully intact testicles and a rerouted urethral opening. (He provided photographic evidence, if you’re interested.) The 30-something-year-old is fully capable of orgasm and ejaculation, he says. And, no, the absence of a penis does not prevent him from having sex with his girlfriend.

This last bit came as a shocking revelation to some redditors. How, they wanted to know. Sex equals penis in vagina, right? How can you have sex without a penis?! “I still have part of my shaft under there which still has nerve endings,” he wrote in response. “Use your imagination for the rest.” He added, importantly, “Any loving couple can be intimate.” Those just might be two of the best sex tips around: 1) Use your imagination, and 2) Any loving couple can be intimate. Seriously, sit with that for a minute. So much energy is spent trying to gather wisdom on being “good at” sex. From puberty on, we develop encyclopedic knowledge of all the many positions and moves two or more people can do. We agonize about our anatomy: Is my penis too small? Is my vagina tight enough? Are my boobs big enough?

Great sex is so much simpler than all that — and “penisindoor” has that figured out. Don’t get me wrong: Penises are great. They’re super awesome. Indeed, “penisindoor” misses his enough that he’s hoping to get an experimental and risky penile transplant — and best of luck to him. But his story shows that sexual pleasure and intimacy are way bigger than any dick could ever be. Relatedly, a study just came out finding that lesbians and men of all sexual orientations experience more orgasms than heterosexual women. (We needed science to tell us this?) It just goes to show that penis-in-vagina sex is just one kind of sex, and that it certainly isn’t inherently the most mutually pleasurable kind.

Sex therapist Ian Kerner told me, “As a culture, we are very much caught up in the ‘intercourse-discourse’ which privileges penis-vagina sex over other forms of sex-play, but there are many pleasure-paths worth exploring,” he said. “Between a creative, caring sexual mind and a fully functional penis, the former will more consistently generate orgasms than the latter.” And, for the record, sexual pleasure is not all that uncommon in extreme cases of injury like this one. “Orgasm and ejaculation are separate processes and even men with severe spinal injuries are known to experience the former, so it’s not at all unlikely that this man would be able to experience the pleasurable sensations of gratifying sex in his own particular way,” says Kerner.

I showed the AMA to Debby Herbenick, a sex research at the Kinsey Institute, and she loved “penisindoor’s” perspective. “We all have things we cannot change in life whether it’s our body shape or our age, or that we’re all aging, or our breast asymmetry or an STI or a special interest,” says Herbenick, author of “Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered — For Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex.” “Whether we approach this feeling ‘stuck’ or from a perspective of possibility is a huge part of it.” She added, “Knowing that openness and imagination are important is valuable, as is understanding that intimacy is about more than parts. Arousal is about more than parts.”

Speaking of intimacy, “penisindoor” honored his girlfriend’s request that he keep the details of their sex life private. He gamely answered redditors questions unless they veered into territory his girlfriend was uncomfortable with. What a man, eh?

Now, all this comes with a great big caveat: His story has yet to be verified, his original post has been taken down and he didn’t respond to my requests for an interview — so who knows just how legit it is. But whoever “penisindoor” is, he exhibited a startlingly enlightened view of sex, the kind you rarely ever see in online forums filled with identity-obscuring screen names. It’s a welcome reminder in our dick-obsessed culture that sex can happen without a penis. Oh, also?Not all men have penises.

Farmworkers kill colleague with oranges

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1672617507Two men have been arrested after they allegedly assaulted a farmworker with oranges until he died on a farm outside Tzaneen, Limpopo police said on Wednesday.

The men, aged 27 and 30, were taken into custody on Tuesday, said Lt-Col Moatshe Ngoepe.

“Babanto Chauke, 38, and two men had a quarrel, the two [allegedly] started throwing loose oranges at him until he died.”

The men were Chauke’s colleagues at Lakota Farm. They would appear in the Tzaneen Magistrate’s Court on Wednesday, Ngoepe said.

World Cup Of Sex: These Countries Score Big In The Bedroom

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n-GLOBAL-SEX-large300It’s not looking good, Chile.

The survey of 35,000 individuals between the ages of 21 and 55, from 30 countries, came up with some pretty interesting, if not, moderately surprising results, about the sex practices and habits of those around the globe. Although they might be known for being crybabies at the moment, Brazilians are definitely not lacking in the bedroom.

So, let’s break this down, shall we?

While the global average of sex, including foreplay, is only 32.5 minutes, the majority of those surveyed (79 percent), are pretty satisfied with their sex life. Great! The two countries where the highest amount of sexual satisfaction can be found is in England and Greece, followed by Japan to round out the top three sex-happy corners of the world. Unfortunately, for Chile, they’re last on the list.

But, as I mentioned, the Brazilians, in all their glorious beauty (and tears), do take the cake in the bedroom by having the most stamina. While the global average for sex is just over 30 minutes, 34 percent of Brazilians claim their average is 46 minutes or longer. In contrast, on the other side of the globe, the Aussies don’t have such a stellar reputation. For them, 10 percent of those surveyed said their average duration for sex was — wait for it — 10 minutes. I blame vegemite. Have you tried that stuff? Yes, it’s to blame.

Getting back to Europe, the Swiss and Greek really like to get around. Twenty-six percent of those from Switzerland and 25 percent of those from Greece have said to have slept with more than 20 people. It’s not exactly Samantha Jones type of numbers, but it’s pretty high up there — however, practice makes perfect. In keeping with their reputation, 75 percent of the French admitted to cheating. However, the Belgians and Australians (maybe because of their track record?), are the least likely to stray and look for sex elsewhere.

When it came to those willing to admit they faked it, that award when to Colombians with 70 percent saying that those moans are big, fat lies, and Chile and Brazil weren’t too far behind. Again, Chile? Really? But despite this, Brazilians seem to fancy themselves quite the experts in bed (delusions of grandeur, I believe is the term), along with the Greeks and Italians. Spoon-feed me pasta during sex, Italy, and I’ll agree, too.

Finally, rounding out the sex-related questions, when it came to owning sex toys, England came in first place with 94 percent having at least one in their drawer of treats. Last on that list, with 50 percent living a sex toy-free life? Chile. Oh, Chile. What are we going to do will you?

It may be another four years before football fans across the globe can hoop and holler at their TV cheering on their home team, but in the meantime, we can still work on our sex game. Brazil needs to get their act together on the field, Argentina’s Messi needs to quit sulking, and Chile, well, I love you, but you need to step it up all over the place.

As for the big winners, Germany, the sex survey results didn’t seem to include them. I guess when you’re champions of the world, how you perform in bed in secondary? Nah, I think not.

 

Professional Shit Diver Loves His Stinking Job

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Brendan Walsh loves his job, but we can’t imagine how in the world that’s possible. Why? Because he makes a living diving into human crap.

Even if he does get to do it while listening to AC/DC’s “Back in Black,” it still doesn’t seem like the kind of career one could happily pursue.

Walsh runs a company called East West Dive and Salvage in Melbourne, Australia, that specializes in diving below every kind of no-air environment you can imagine, including raw sewage.

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In Australia, sewage isn’t processed with chemicals. Instead, bacteria breaks down the waste in huge motor-driven stirring machines, which often malfunction.

The motors are all in the ponds, and there’s no other way to access them without getting in. And it’s completely black down there, so we have to do everything by feel. Sewage farms take thousands of photos of their site, before they fill up the ponds, so we look carefully at the photos before we get in. The diver then makes the repairs in the dark by talking to the guys above the surface. The dive suits are all connected via radio, so we can provide directions in real time. I love my job and always have. I’m a passionate diver from way back, and I’m a mechanic.

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According to this doo-doo diver, his part of the job isn’t even the worst aspect of the position. It’s actually the dudes who have to clean him off who suffer.

“I’ve never worked a day in my life because I combine my passions. We all do. You can’t do a job well unless you love it,” he says.

So, the next time you think your job totally stinks, you might remember this guy.

Drunk Judge Assaults and Bites Cops Because They’re Not Taxi Drivers

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cop-car-600X300-558x279A judge who was so intoxicated that he mistook a couple of policemen for taxi drivers has been charged with assault after punching and trying to bite the officers because they refused to drive him to his holiday home.

According to Telegraph News, the French judge flagged down a cop car after collecting his three children from his ex-wife’s home in the southern city of Montpellier. He admitted the next day his level of intoxication led him to believe the blue lights meant the cop car was a taxi.

During the incident, the judge declared “I am a deputy presiding judge, take me home!”

Even after the officers told him they were not taxi drivers and tried to reason with him, he hurled insults at them and growing more irate, struck one of the officers in the crotch. He then attempted to bite the second policeman, before being arrested and taken to a police station, where he tried to bite two other cops. The 48-year-old judge, who has not been named was placed in a police cell for the night before being charged with “assaulting persons in a position of public authority” the next day.

Bruno Bartocetti of the police union Unité SGP spoke about the case, saying “It’s truly regrettable that a judge behaved in such a manner, but as far as we are concerned, he’s a citizen like any other and obviously we couldn’t overlook what he did.”

He also said, “Relations between the police and the judiciary are good contrary to what you might think. The judge has admitted what he did.”

In addition to the criminal charges, the judge is also expected to face professional disciplinary proceedings.

Married Teacher, 32, Accused Of Having Sexual Relationship With Student, 13

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We’ve been reporting on teachers sleeping with students for almost ten years, but I swear it seems as if it’s becoming more common. So much so that I now have to choose which teacher story I want to write up.

Mary-Faith-McCormickToday I chose not to go with the Oklahoma teacher who followed a student 650 miles to have sex, and decided on 32-year-old Mary Faith McCormick. She’s the married teacher who just got busted having a sexual relationship with a 13-year-old student.

According to the affidavit, the sexual relationship between the two began after a friend of the 13-year-old dared him to contact McCormick. He did, and McCormick reciprocated.

The relationship eventually turned into a sexual one with the two having sex on at least two occasions between June and August. On one of these occasions, the boy and a friend went over to McCormick’s apartment to watch a movie where the 13-year-old had sex with McCormick in her bedroom.

The two were busted mainly because of their Snapchat activity. McCormick and the boy would send each other pictures of their genitalia, and a 12-year-old female friend of the boy found some of these pictures after borrowing his phone. One picture included McCormick in a towel with wet hair showing her breasts. The accompanying text stated, “I’m not dirty anymore.”

Siloam Springs detectives began investigating McCormick earlier this month and ended up confiscating USB thumb drives, an Apple iPad, two Apple iPhones and a desktop computer. Police searched McCormick’s Snapchat account and would find multiple photographs and videos of the 13-year-old.

Since sex with a 13-year-old in Arkansas is illegal, even if consensual, McCormick was arrested and charged with felony rape. She’s was released from jail the next day after posting $50,000 bond. She’s been suspended with pay from her job as a sixth-grade teacher at Siloam Springs Intermediate School pending the outcome of the investigation.

McCormick’s next court date is set for September 22.

I get affairs. Right or wrong, I understand why people have them… with other consenting adults. I will never understand people willing to end their marriage, relationships with friends and family, professional career and freedom — all for some underage strange.

Man Set New Wife On Fire For Sleeping With Ex-Lover On Wedding Night

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Ivan Kuzmin has been accused of setting his new bride on fire because she had sex with an ex-lover on their wedding night after he fell asleep.

Veronika-FilippovaAccording to reports, Veronika Filippova, 27, had an affair with an ex-boyfriend after Kuzmin passed out drunk at their wedding reception. She was so consumed with guilt that she later told Kuzmin everything.

This turned out to be a big mistake, because Kuzmin, 30, responded by dousing her with alcohol while she was sleeping. When she woke up and tried to escape, Kuzmin set her on fire with a cigarette lighter.

Filippova was rushed to the hospital with burns to over 80 percent of her body but would die a few hours later. Kuzmin was arrested and has admitted to murdering Filippova. He’s now facing 15 years in prison.

Too bad Kuzmin never admitted to Filippova that he’d once served ten years in prison for the attempted rape and murder an underage girl. Had he, none of this may have ever happened.

Sergey Domnyshev, an investigator in the Kirov district of Volgograd, confirmed Kuzmin was convicted of trying to rape a girl under the age of 18, then trying to destroy evidence by setting the apartment on fire with the girl still inside.

Woman Beat Man, 64, Over Gas Passing

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A South Carolina woman last night pummeled a 64-year-old man after he “passed gas” in her face, according to police who cited both for fighting.

jessicacerneyAccording to a police report, Jessica Cerney, 33, was laying on the couch in a Myrtle Beach residence when Darrell McKnight“came into the house intoxicated and ‘passed gas’ in her face.”

Cerney, seen at right, told police that she left the home to get away from McKnight, but said that he followed her outside. As the two argued over the incident, Cerney said, the cursing McKnight approached her in a “threatening manner.”

Cerney said that when McKnight bent down, she “struck him in the face approximately three times with a closed fist.” The blows left McKnight with a swollen right eye, for which he subsequently received treatment at a local hospital. Cerney, who was not drunk, did not suffer any injuries during the confrontation.

A witness identified as “Ricky” told officers that Cerney and McKnight had been fighting over the gas passing and McKnight’s intoxicated state.

Cerney and McKnight were both issued citations for fighting.

Man Gets Stuck in High Chair and Can’t Get Out

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Darren is an adult. He sat in a chair not meant for an adult. It didn’t end well.

Darren, from Manchester, went to a restaurant with a few friends. After a few beers, he had the bright idea that he should try to squeeze into a children’s high chair. Alas, he got stuck, despite being somewhat fit.

Then began an epic struggle to free him from the high chair, and the results are inevitably absurd and hilarious. After being posted on Facebook, the video went viral. It’s been shared more than 72,000 times, and it’s definitely worth the time it takes to watch it.

If you need any more convincing, just know that Darren removes his pants at one point to see if that helps. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

The video is posted below for your viewing pleasure.