Crime in the Canadian town of Saanich includes drunken college girls, “Illicit chip tasting,” “first-time chip offenders,” and a cop who can’t believe he’s talking about this

Shut it down. The Canadian Emmy news awards are a wrap. (That’s a thing, right?) CTV must have had a few slow days this June since they committed a 3-minute segment to two drunken college girls stealing a bag of potato chips from a garage. Everyone involved is amazing. The anchor sells it like we’re about to learn about an evening gone wrong. He then throws it to his man on location in Saanich, which is, of course, adorably Canadian for “sandwich.” From there, they interview someone from the “neighbourhood” who “likes chips.” After that, the real star of the report shows up – Sgt. Dean Jantzen.

Sgt. Jantzen apparently gave a press conference on this potato chip-related crime. Also, there’s a grocery store named Zellers. Everything in this video must be fake. How is this not an Onion News Network video? They recreated the trail of chips!! “Illicit chip tastings!” “First-time chip offenders!” Sgt. Dean Jantzen is a damn American Canadian hero. And they finish with a public service announcement for landlines!

I want to hug this video forever. That’s it. I have to move to Saanich, get a house phone, get drunk and shop at Zellers. This is clearly the only place and way to live.

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