Two lawsuits filed in West Virginia are seeking restraining orders against Kim Kardashian. Guess why.
No, really. Guess. Think on it long and hard. You can even use the hints in the headline, which are only a small part of the batshit insane fantasies described in the complaints. Go ahead and dream up your wackiest possible scenarios involving the Kardashians.
Did you guess that one of the suits would claim that Kim, her ex-husband Kris Humphries, and Humphries’ current girlfriend Myla Sinanaj held a Philadelphia man at gunpoint and forced him to watch the three of them having sex for five hours in their hotel room, which was filled with barnyard animals and a unicorn? Because that is one correct answer. The other correct guess is this: that a Brooklyn man “stumbled upon” Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Khloe Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian at an Al Qaeda training camp in the West Virginia mountainside, where they burned the American flag and where West performed a concert for all the terrorists at the camp. According to the suit, via Wheeling, WV, CBS affiliate station WTRF:
“They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium,” the suit said.
Plaintiff “Gino Romano” also claims that all of the Kardashian’s earnings are going to Al Qaeda. And that Kanye is the leader of the Chicago street gang El Rukn. And that Kim Kardashian will launch a selection of veils for her clothing line. And that Khloe Kardashian tried to behead Romano.
And that’s the least insane of the two suits.
The other suit, filed by plaintiff “Jonathan Kimberly,” tells the harrowing tale of a simple man who just wanted to get some sleep — but the celebrities in the room next door to his (room #69, of course) were making too much noise. “I heard a bunch of banging, and sounds of sheep,” the suit reads.
When Kimberly went to the door to request that his neighbors keep it down, he saw through the peephole (which was apparently installed backwards?) that Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were inside, making a sex tape as “sheep, two goats, and a unicorn” looked on.
Kimberly, naturally, assumed the animals were “witnesses.”
He also saw an E! logo on the camera filming the action, and Kardashian injecting steroids into Humphries’ arm, telling him, “I’m going to juice you up baby for the Nets season.” Sinanaj, meanwhile, was “bobbing her head up and down with a voodoo doll in her hand and rosary beads.”
Kimberly shouted through the door that he was trying to get some sleep. And that’s when things got, um, “real.”
Kris went irate on steroid rage, ripped the door open, dragged me into the room, put a shot gun to my head that he got from Nets player Jayson Williams, and forced me to watch the 3 defendants have sex with one another for 5 hr’s against my will…. Myla hit me with RC Cola can. Kimberly forced me to watch E! network Keeping Up With the Kardashian reruns on the hotel tv for 6 more consecutive hr’s, I defecated on myself, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant.
The horror. RC Cola is, after all, the most insulting brand of soda to have hurled at you.
Then, just when Kimberly — a self-described Christian who “told Kim she is deceiving the public and lying in her divorce” — likely assumed things couldn’t get any worse:
Then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen who had a bag full of ecstasy and set [sic] “Lets get this party started.”
Yeah, we’re pretty sure Romano and Kimberly are the same person. (Romano’s suit attests that he lives in both New York and Philadelphia.) It’s also likely that that both Romano and Kimberly are pseudonyms used by Jonathan Lee Riches, who according to Gawker is “Guinness World Record holder for ‘Most Litigious Man’ after filing more than 5,000 suits over the past eight years.” But doesn’t that just make this more impressive? This is clearly enough crazy for five crackpots at minimum, and it’s all coming from just this one guy.
So congratulations, West Virginia. In the war to determine the most fucked-up news in the country, Florida is still way ahead. But we’re just going to go ahead and give you this day. Henceforth, June 28 shall be known as the day West Virginia out-crazied Florida. Generations from now, the children will speak of it. Or they would, if anyone still remembered who the Kardashians were.